Thursday, December 16, 2010

mask hangs heavy....

the pictures are the the walls are lies
I go in and out of "rooms"
this time of year 

snowman kids holiday party ideas

my life feels totally different
While my being is in this season my
heart is a million miles away
going through the motions

I begin strong...certain I am trusting
standing strong against the personal assuage of questions and doubts
daily walking...eggshells softly crunch beneath my feet
my reserves have long ago been used
I have nothing left to give
the day goes much like the last

snowman kids holiday party ideas

I pretend some...still
it is how I can cope
that is ok...a little
my reality is very real

when I laid down to ran away from me
I rolled over to look
into those knowing pools of blue
while she spoke words she should not ever have to
not about a daddy
in my heart anyways

a daddy
that was my heart dream for them
I did what I thought was good...right
only to be
roused from a nightmare years later
am I doing the God thing this time?
when I am written...manipulated that God doesn't want our marriage to end?
Am I listening?

snowman kids holiday party ideas

We all have a dream when we were little girls
I did
she does...what if all I lived with was for nothing
and they end up reliving in others the very
same thing I tried to keep them from

what if the poison has spread too much already
is there an antidote
I can give them?
their mommy is a prisoner of war
everyone's prison house looks different I think
the effects much the same
maybe I'm addicted to the pain I ask
why would a mommy stay and circle and circle...again and again?

snowman kids holiday party ideas

long silence
I look down at the little girl who is trusting me with her pools of blue
and it pieces
"you long to be set free
whole world shattered and your
dreams just fall apart
lift up your voice
let HIM hear your cry
when you've got nothing left to hold onto
every broken piece will be made whole"

snowman kids holiday party ideas

maybe I am still grieving me...the little girl who was a prisoner
to other choices out of her control
and I looked into my eyes and I wept
she needed me to take care of her
to show her she can be set free and let her rest once and for all
so I scooped her up
He pulled us close to HIS heart
and he spoke to me

snowman kids holiday party ideas

I am moving...CHANGE is in the air
it is in the noticing...NOTICE
trust ME
I am a SAFE place
don't listen to the LIES
there is a plan unfolding

I know where we are going and I am carrying you
relax in my arms...I'm holding your family too
I've held the lies in soooo long
carried guilt and shame
lived miserable...on the inside
My mask hangs heavy on my face
as HE walks
I'm tired of worrying

snowman kids holiday party ideas

cont. tomorrow

All of these adorable pictures are from!
quotations from Kerrie Roberts song Love Comes Down

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