mask hangs heavy....

the pictures are the the walls are lies

I go in and out of "rooms"

this time of year 

my life feels totally different

While my being is in this season my

heart is a million miles away

going through the motions

 

I begin strong...certain I am trusting

standing strong against the personal assuage of questions and doubts

daily walking...eggshells softly crunch beneath my feet

my reserves have long ago been used

I have nothing left to give

the day goes much like the last

I pretend some...still

it is how I can cope

that is ok...a little

my reality is very real

when I laid down to sleep...it ran away from me

I rolled over to look

into those knowing pools of blue

while she spoke words she should not ever have to

not about a daddy

in my heart anyways

a daddy

that was my heart dream for them

I did what I thought was good...right

only to be

roused from a nightmare years later

am I doing the God thing this time?

when I am written...manipulated that God doesn't want our marriage to end?

Am I listening?

We all have a dream when we were little girls

I did

she does...what if all I lived with was for nothing

and they end up reliving in others the very

same thing I tried to keep them from

what if the poison has spread too much already

is there an antidote

I can give them?

their mommy is a prisoner of war

everyone's prison house looks different I think

the effects much the same

maybe I'm addicted to the pain I ask

why would a mommy stay and circle and circle...again and again?

long silence

I look down at the little girl who is trusting me with her pools of blue

and it comes...in bits...in pieces

"you long to be set free

whole world shattered and your

dreams just fall apart

lift up your voice

let HIM hear your cry

when you've got nothing left to hold onto

LOVE COMES DOWN

every broken piece will be made whole"

maybe I am still grieving me...the little girl who was a prisoner

to other choices out of her control

and I looked into my eyes and I wept

she needed me to take care of her

to show her she can be set free and let her rest once and for all

so I scooped her up

and

He pulled us close to HIS heart

and he spoke to me

I am moving...CHANGE is in the air

it is in the noticing...NOTICE

trust ME

I am a SAFE place

don't listen to the LIES

there is a plan unfolding

I know where we are going and I am carrying you

relax in my arms...I'm holding your family too

I've held the lies in soooo long

carried guilt and shame

lived miserable...on the inside

My mask hangs heavy on my face

as HE walks

I'm tired of worrying

cont. tomorrow

xoxo

All of these adorable pictures are from!

Hostess with the Mostess

quotations from Kerrie Roberts song Love Comes Down